Life has this funny way of sneaking up on you when you really don’t need it to. One week you feel on top of the world, the next you’re lying in the Mariana Trench. That’s just how it works, especially if you’re me. As my girlfriend puts it, my highs are high, and my lows are low — there is no in between, no middle ground. That’s all fine, however.
I think that I require a bit of self reflection. The last few weeks of my life I have spent a good amount of time trying to figure out a way to get going again. I’ve become accustomed to sleeping way more than I need, procrastinating on copious amounts of homework, and being an all around lazy ass. I’ve just gotten so sick of the same cycle: denial of my issues, self doubt of my ability to resolve my issues, and self loathing of my inability to solve my issues. One day, I’m motivated and ready to change everything. The next day I sleep 10 hours and skip school. It’s really embarrassing, and I feel ashamed of how I’m handling this.
A large portion of my chronic procrastination comes from no repercussions from said procrastination. During all four years of my high school career, I didn’t do anything and I excelled in school. I procrastinated every single assigment, never studied, and my senior year, I barely showed up. Guess what I got in exchange for all of that hard work? A full ride to a good university in my town. How convenient. And then there’s college. This quote summarizes my problem:
“You may be poor, but the one thing nobody can take away from you is the freedom to fuck up your life whatever the way you want to.”
— Jonathan Franzen, Freedom
My parents love and support everything I do. Now they have known that I will always take care of my school work, and for the most part, they never had to worry about me doing well in school. They just assumed that I’d always do well. In high school, that was the case. Now, however, that I am in college, things are so very different. I have found myself attempting to study (something I am NOT accustomed to), struggling with homework and projects, and not always getting perfect grades. The only thing I excel at here is writing. School has never been hard for me, and college has been a damn wake up call. Honestly, I still am trying to find my groove. With working almost full time hours and going to school full time, I’ve let myself fall into this endless cycle of motivation and demotivation. I go through periods of intense dedication, then I’ll get some kind of reward (i.e., do well on a test), and then decide that I deserve a break for all of my hard work.
Except that break is far longer than it should be, and thus begins the cycle once again. Everyday I feel that weight of disappointment in myself get heavier and heavier, but damn, why can’t I just get up and grind like everyone else? My girlfriend works two jobs and goes to school full time. My best friend gets up at 6:30 AM everyday, works and then goes to school all night. I met a fellow last semester that was a full time high school teacher going to med school. They get their shit done, why can’t I? What am I doing wrong? Some days I just don’t understand it. I’m learning to just fake it ’til I make it, and maybe one day it’ll just click.
I digress. I’ll be posting another story this week hopefully. With the recent election, I think it’ll be inspired from that. I’ve never been more proud of my country and to be an American, so a show of patriotism might be prevalent in the next story.