Self-Reflection

I’ve taken an indefinite hiatus on writing and doing something I truly do enjoy. I don’t know why I stopped writing or why I haven’t started back. There’s a part of me that yearns to sit down and just write, yet every time I find myself typing a few sentences, erasing those sentences, and just staring at an empty screen. Why do I put myself in this situation? Do I have nothing to write about? Or is something holding me back?

Even when I was writing on a semi-regular basis, I always wrote on easy topics, and by easy I mean topics that didn’t require any actual work. For example, when I first started this website I decided I’d focus on flash fiction. Why? Because it required the least effort. FF required minimal research (if any), they were short, and I could jot them down in ten to fifteen minutes.

At that time in my life, I was searching for a sense of accomplishment. I was being lazy, unmotivated, and honestly, I didn’t give a damn about anything. I thought that trying to do something I enjoy and creating something with it might help me get out of my slump, but it didn’t because I didn’t enjoy writing it. I didn’t even try to make it something fun for me.

Fine. That was my mistake and I learned from it. I stopped writing flash fiction and decided to write about something else… except I never did that. I just wrote what was on my mind. Half the time, it never had a point. It served as more of a diary than anything except it wasn’t personal or heartfelt. It was just something to fill the space, another post that I didn’t have to try and create something unique and original. I just stopped writing after this because I was disappointed in every piece of “work” I made.

I made myself hate writing.

That turned out to be one of the best mistakes I’ve ever made. When I realized what I had done to myself through laziness and procrastination, I saw what else it was affecting in my life. I had become bitter. I was lazy. I was unmotivated. I had no discipline. I didn’t care about anything. My schoolwork faltered. I pushed my fiancée away. I disconnected myself from friends. I lost contact with family. I was in terrible shape mentally, emotionally, and physically. And the worst part of it all is I didn’t care. I just kept letting it happen. Self-imposed torture; a reel of potentially life-altering decisions and mistakes kept playing themselves out day after day. I had to change.

I realized that if I wanted my life to change, I had to quit blaming my faults on external sources. I had to look within myself and find what was wrong with ME. Change comes from self-reflection. How did I become this person? Why did I go down this path? As I began answering these questions, I quickly realized that I didn’t have a reason for any of it. Sure, there were certain circumstances that might have helped influence my behavior, but I got to this point in my life on my own accord and that made me uncomfortable.

Is it really that easy to screw up your life? It is. It’s so, so incredibly easy to fuck up when you’re left to your own devices. And it’s going to be ten times more difficult to change your life for the better, but in the end it’s so worth it. I am, by no means, at the end of my journey. I have a lot, and I mean an enormous amount, of work to do. However, I am such a better person in my own eyes. I had to put myself into view and work on me before I could move forward in my life. I learned that putting yourself first is the best thing you can do for yourself if you’re struggling.

As I’ve already mentioned, I’ve got a long way to go. However, I want you to understand how I feel now vs. how I felt almost a year ago. When I think back to those times, I felt as if my mind was cloudy; my thoughts were shrouded in hopelessness, the mental fog was fueled by low self-esteem, and I felt almost numb to anything other than when I sought instant gratification through spending hours on social media, reading pages upon pages of useless information, and obsessing over changing but never actually changing. Those fleeting moments were evidence of dopamine chasing. I used these stupid and pointless acts to feel something… anything.

Regardless, I never want to feel that way again. Now my mind is clear and I can focus on whatever task is at hand better than before. I seem to experience life in a new light. It’s weird, but everything seems more colorful and brighter. It took me a long time to understand what was happening to me once I began this journey to better myself.

In the posts to come, I’m going to discuss what it is I did to get to where I’m at now. I hope to help anyone whose reading this and can relate. Just know that if you’re lost and you haven’t found yourself, there is hope. You just have to work hard for it. I’ll be here along the way.

Since I started this blog, it’s underwent two major redesigns. Well, it’s going to get another one. This one feels… clunky and outdated. It’s also dark and moody — a reflection of how I felt at the time. It’s time to change again. I’m going to update the color scheme and layout, and I’m also going to be archiving my old posts. That way they are still accessible, but not the first thing you see when you come to my website. I’d like to keep them to display my growth as not only a writer, but as a person as well.

To all my family and friends who I haven’t talked to or visited like I should have, I apologize. I just needed some time to myself to try and figure this crazy obstacle course called life out. I’m finally becoming somebody I can be proud of, so I appreciate your patience. I love you all.

One more thing: I would like to give a special thank you to my fiancée, Miranda. Without your love, support, and patience, I don’t think I would have gotten this far. I’d still be in that dark place, so for all that you’ve done, thank you. I love you so much.

Thank you all for reading if you’ve gotten this far. Stay up to date by following me on Facebook and, if you have a wordpress account, on here as well. More to come!

6 thoughts on “Self-Reflection

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